52 Reasons ESPN Sucks

A couple years back, the college football website Every Day Should Be Saturday (everydayshouldbesaturday.com) developed this humorous, yet tragically true loathsome list of ESPN's bad habits. What was once a proud and ground-breaking network has become nearly unwatchable for yours truly, unless one of my favorite teams is playing on it, or if it is carrying a big game. The list, linked below, is a pretty exhaustive roster of the reasons why, and I have to say I disagree with maybe three of them. The other 49 are spot on. While we're on the subject, I'd like to point out that making worthless top ten lists about overpayed diaper wearing athletes isn't satisfying sports coverage for anyone with a pulse. The early returns on an actual stab at serious journalism with the "E-60," newsmagazine show (real original by the way, couldn't CBS sue them?) are not good. The show is empty and makes a pathetic attempt to be dramatic with the stupid black and white filmed "pitch meetings," because there sure as hell isn't much substance in most of the stories they've attempted to far. I guess ESPN should just stick to ranking the best dunks from the NBA last night, and leave the real journalism to the grown-ups over at HBO Real Sports. Great, ESPN can tell us what athlete is the most "Now" based on what celebrity tail he's banged since becoming rich, but can't seem to squeeze in the score of last night's Blackhawks-Blues game. I am enjoying ESPNU though. If you're too busy to sift through the entire list, I've extracted a few of my favorites below. I'm not sure why the number is 52, but why stop at a nice round number like 25 when you have so much more material to work with.
http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/2005/11/29/50-reasons-espnabcdisney-sucks/

1. Synergy. Promo the games you have the rights to while barely mentioning the big games on in other places, no matter how important they might be. Push your product over THE GAME. Vile corporate entertainment thinking that yields little but viewer disgust.

6. Sportstainment! The next few are attached to this umbrella concept of the idea that sports isn’t entertainment all by itself. Consider them pieces of evidence in one long indictment of Disney’s attempt to force ESPN into becoming the story, not the medium.

9. “The Hot Seat” segment. Nothing more excruciating than watching former partial qualifiers attempting to think against the clock.

11. Stephen A. Smith. Mark Shapiro, the prime mover behind Sportstainment! and former head of ESPN, said he just HAD to hire Smith after every focus group detested his ass. Well, there you go. Would love to kick the ass of the editor of Highlights magazine for bewitching him with those devilish puzzles all these years. Makes a sport we already don’t care about (NBA) all the more ignoreable–and isn’t that what a great spokesman for the sport is supposed to do?

17. I…love…highlights without shtick…songs that don’t suck dick…and twins!!!

18. Speaking of songs that suck…Big and Rich have made their way onto our Orbital Death Ray list, along with Mark Shapiro. For a long time college football existed as a fiefdom apart from the Sportstainmenttastic! world of ESPN–pleasantly stodgy, frills-free coverage of a sport that allowed you to soak in the atmosphere of each game through the screen. Now we have Nick Lachey interviewing people and Big and Rich suggesting that we need more Ying with our Ying Yang. Two old pieces of redneck jerky–including one who one of our readers pointed out, bears a striking resemblance to Phyllis Diller–who were pulled out of a hat at random by marketing schmucks in New York who were like, “Okay, people. Red state sport—we need us some edgy country!” Total, horrid, absolute fecality soiling the last show we watch on the network.
We’re coming…and we’re shit-tayyy!!!

20. High school kids committing live on the network. Recruiting’s creepy enough with Tom Lemming involved. Upping the ante to national coverage only adds to the ick factor.

24. The Outdoor Games. In a typical move, ESPN takes our insomniac treats–including the World’s Strongest Man competitions–and packages them into Sportstainment!. What they fail to understand is that we liked them because they were on when we got home from the bar drunk enough to find them entertaining.

26. Mike Gottfried. America’s most dyspeptic college football announcer. Frowns at babies and accuses them of lack of discipline for shitting their diapers. Misses calls frequently. The opposite of fun.

30. Woody Paige. In our hometown, this guy cleaned your septic tank. On ESPN, he’s an “expert.”

35. Lou Holtz. You have a speech defect, and should not make a living talking on television. Oh, and you’re a cheater. Would be entertaining only if they made him speak from behind his own salad bar shield; we’re guessing it would look like those shots of cobras striking at people behind plexiglass in zoos, with spit flying in gobs all over the surface.

41. Chris Berman referring to himself as “The Schwam.” Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck you. Appropriate death strike: cruise missile while singing onstage with Huey Lewis.

48. Rush Limbaugh, football analyst. Yes, it’s ancient history–but the shame remains.