Opinion: Nick Saban Takes Asshole To A New Level

An explanation I usually get for football overtaking baseball as America’s most popular sport is mostly along the lines of, “football is a violent game, the players are our modern gladiators and men are drawn to the violence and war-like nature.” Ok, point taken. I’ve never really had a problem with that. What I do have a problem with are when overpaid, overvalued, diaper-wearing college football coaches still haven’t distinguished that football is a game, and war is war.

What the hell is Nick Saban‘s problem. And whether or not he meant to draw a direct comparison to losing last Saturday against Louisiana-Monroe to September 11th is irrelevant. I’m not interested in semantics. What he did do was completely slap a worthy opponent in the face, and basically pout in the sandbox for losing a game he thought he should’ve won. In case you haven’t seen it yet, here is what Saban said after Alabama dropped a 21-14 decision to ULM at home last Saturday:

"Changes in history usually occur after some kind of catastrophic event.”. "It may be 9/11, which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, and that was a catastrophic event."

Where do I even start. Number one, losing a trivial football game is never a catastrophic event. Since Mr. Saban seems comfortable enough to metaphorically discuss the ramifications of 9/11 and Pearl Harbor, show me the innocent civilians that died because Alabama lost a football game. So let me get this straight, Alabama’s football team will now band together closer than ever and strike back against people who attempted to kill them (by scoring one more touchdown)? Alabama is the victim here? If there is a victim, it’s Louisiana-Monroe. Here they have a solid win for their program, yet it will be overshadowed by the ass-backwards American south, where an asshole like Nick Saban could actually make comments like these and walk out of a room without getting his ass kicked. After all, SEC football is so important, so crucial to everyday life that the context in which Saban compared losing a game is acceptable. Forgive me if I sound sarcastic, but apparently the University of Alabama thinks so:

"What Coach Saban said did not correlate losing a football game with tragedy, everyone needs to understand that. He was not equating losing football games to those catastrophic events." The message was that true spirit and unity become evident in the most difficult of times. Those were two tremendous examples that everyone can identify with."

Difficult times huh. I’d like to compare putting together a gameplan for Auburn this week to seeing a loved one leave for work or war and not come back. Not even the biggest back-woods redneck SEC fan could side with the former as more “difficult.” And we’re talking red-state sport here, so I’d assume support for Bush’s war on humanity might still take precedence over almighty Alabama football. What’s tougher, being shipped to the middle-east to get your head blown off in an utterly senseless war, or regrouping to play a football game while being adored by thousands of screaming fans? Oh, but it’s so tough, there’s so much pressure to win in college football. Yeah well, no one ever seems to die during it, so spare me the true spirit and unity in the face of adversity argument. The might be the biggest load of horseshit I’ve ever read.

If all of this isn’t enough, Saban decided to then hoist his left leg onto the table to finish off his other foot:

“They talk about alcoholics and people like that who never ever change until they hit rock bottom Well, they change because when they hit rock bottom they have an awareness, they have an acceptance and a commitment to change. That's what our players need to do right now because in the past two weeks since the LSU game, I haven't seen the same spirit, I haven't seen the same work ethic.”

Ah yes. So now Saban decides to offend not only families torn apart by terrorist attacks and war, but people battling real, physical hardship as well. Once again, alcoholism is a real, tangible adversity. Losing to Louisiana-Monroe is not. And Saban can go to hell on the “rock bottom” bullshit. I’m a Syracuse fan you overrated dickhead, 6-5 is hardly rock bottom, regardless of the unrealistic expectations of your neurotic fans. And I absolutely love the “our players must work harder” line. Classic excuse from a classic douche bag. Apparently, Michigan State, LSU, the Miami Dolphins, Alabama and any other football team that’s dropped to two knees to blow Nick Saban by overpaying him have stroked his ego to a point of no return. Your players? Your fucking players? Oh right, Mr. All-knowing, All-powerful God of a football coach Nick Saban, a loss could never have anything to do with you. You are only responsible for winning games, not losing them. Maybe Nick The Prick Saban should just admit what we all already suspect: He’s under so much pressure to beat Auburn so SEC redneck lunatics won’t put for-sale signs in his yard if he doesn‘t, that he probably overlooked ULM to spend more time on Auburn and it bit him right in his overrated ass. How else could a school with the history and prowess of mighty Alabama drop a game to Louisiana-Monroe?

That brings me to another important point. Alabama’s treasured football history is just that. History. Here’s a memo to Crimson Tide fans that they continually ignore; It’s not the 1980s anymore, and your “storied” program is no longer relevant on the national stage. Blame Mike Shula for no reason if you must, but welcome to new college football. The days of the same 10 teams competing for a national championship are over, and at the current moment, you are nowhere near Florida, Ohio State, USC or anyone else at the top, whether Nick Saban is your coach or not. And paying Nick Saban out the ass for a .500 season to show us how committed you are doesn’t make you a powerhouse again either. Get used to it. Baylor, Northwestern and Stanford welcome your company at the bottom of the BCS. Maybe you’ll be back, but until then, stop polluting another thrilling college football season with the child-like bitching of a team that simply doesn’t matter right now. Once upon a time, Alabama had a really good football team. Now they don’t. Get over it Nick Saban and friends.

What this whole idiotic display by Saban adds up to is a complete disrespecting of the University of Louisiana-Monroe. How would you feel if you were a part of the ULM football program, and a team you just beat in their house bitched and moaned the week after instead of acting like men, using words like catastrophe, rock bottom, and embarrassment to describe losing to you? ULM is a Division I-A football team. Their coaches are employed full-time, their players on scholarship like anywhere else. Screw Alabama, you’re NOT special. Being in the SEC opposed to the Sun Belt doesn’t make you so. I’ll tell you what Alabama, if you were embarrassed by losing to ULM, you should be twice as humiliated now, for your public display of whining and pants-shitting for everyone to see. For the reasons listed in the above paragraph, Alabama wasn’t supposed to beat ULM. They had to earn it, in no easier terms than they will have to again this week against Auburn, and they failed. Perception may lead you to believe otherwise, but perception isn’t always reality, especially in this new era of parity in college football. Every program has the same 85 scholarships to give, and greedy, money grubbing programs like Alabama can no longer stockpile talent and dupe good football players into sitting the bench for two years in the SEC when they could be contributing elsewhere. So just maybe, just maybe Alabama, ULM has a few players who are better than a few you have. Blasphemy I know, but hardly far-fetched. Who knows if that was the difference, but losing to them certainly isn’t a catastrophe--in any context. The only catastrophe here is Nick Saban and his big mouth.

"We come in trying to win. We don't play to keep it close. We felt we had a chance if we stayed close in the ballgame to win in the fourth quarter,” said ULM head coach Charlie Weatherbie, refusing to buy into the false Saban hype.

Despite Saban making more than 14 times in salary what Weatherbie pulls in for a year, for three and a half hours last Saturday, Louisiana-Monroe not only had a few good players, but a better head coach as well.

Or at the very least, one who is better spoken.